Will I ever be the same again?

A few days back, I was just rambling at myself while on one of my usual thought-explorations... I suddenly came to a realization which left me dumbfound for a minute. It shook all of my beliefs to the core and forced me to look at everything from a fresh perspective... And far, far harder to accept than the time I had to accept that existence has no meaning other than existence itself, or than accepting that it is impossible to judge, hence trust any entity... Those were trivial compared to this one.
Now, it isn't something that will possibly ignite your passion or level-up your awareness... It's much more theoretical and cerebral, if I dare say so. Now will be a good time for anyone not in the mood for a bit of slightly intricate logic to find something better to read... (maybe something here would hold your interest?)

Now before I start, let me tell you about some of the foundation pillars of my mind. First, I heavily believe in the power of individual choice and how it affects short and long term on our timeline. Secondly, I'm basically an atheist agnostic, thus God is a useful social construct and there are no proven omnipotent beings beyond rationality. Finally, I believe there is a proper mathematical/logical explanation of everything (agreeing to the fact that sometimes it's just beyond our current knowledge to provide it).

What went wrong was that I just proved to myself that some of these tenets can't coexist! Namely the first and the last one. Let me elaborate... I was musing along the concepts of causes and effects, reflecting on the time before time, the causeless cause at the beginning of this Universe, the current laws of physics and all that... Then I began wondering, If everything follows some definite rules with time, then given the rules and the complete composition of the Universe, a sufficiently powerful computer (or brain, if you please) can compute the state of the Universe at any point in time, (mind you that brain has to be outside the Universe for the simple reason that to compute the Universe the brain has to have more energy than the Universe) and the Universe contains us! But even the concept of such prediction was still too hypothetical and out of scope to be shocking... Do you realize, that if everything follows some rules (however complicated or esoteric), including us. Then the friggin timeline is fixed! It's all scripted! Fated! No free choice! (it was then I almost fainted...)

So taking the other side of the argument and going by the existence of free choice. Then since I can choose for myself while being aware of the choice and having the consciousness to understand that I am choosing out of free will. There must be something enabling free choice, which introduces randomness into the timeline. Now this agent of free choice, you can represent in multiple ways, consciousness, soul, luck, chaos... Any of these concepts can do the trick, but again, what's so shocking about it? For it to be what it is, (i.e. the thing that enables us to choose, such that the outcome of the choice can't be ascertained till it is made, or collapsing the quantum states of the timeline if you can think of it that way.) that agent of randomness, by definition, will have to be beyond any mathematics or logic. It can NOT follow any rules, known or unknown! (or else we return to perfectly deterministic fatalism)

Or we can state that for freedom of choice to exist, there must exist something not be the same as everything else is in this Universe... Something mystical? Spiritual? Chaotic? Good? Evil? God? The Supersoul and its fragments? Some higher power? ... Funny thing is that, most of the spiritual theories tend to converge at this exact thing that I just derived... Shit! (Well actually I was much more colourful in cursing myself but I like to keep this blog rated PG.)

Well so the conflict, which went on till long, came to the obvious ending, I couldn't let go of free choice, so I ended up accepting that there has to be at least one thing that will remain forever unexplainable... It was really tough to digest. But still easier than living a scripted life. (I wonder, did I just create another imaginary construct to avoid a horrible truth? I don't know!) To all those who already believed it without knowing... Meh... Do you need an award? *makes a rude gesture*

So ask me what I am going to do tomorrow? I DON'T KNOW! Because I have not chosen yet...

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NesQuarX 
Oh, and yes I still think that the God concept is a social construct. Shoot me.